Lately all I have been doing is working. Working hard... getting nowhere. Walmart isn't exactly an exciting job. It doesn't motivate me to happiness, and at the end of the day, I don't really feel like I have accomplished anything. Sure, I could search endlessly for another job... but I'm lazy, and I know that I am better off to sit and complain about Walmart... suck it up and keep going until I can find a career. It's not the most wonderful way of doing things... but I don't really have a better idea at the moment.

I don't know if any of you feel this way.. but I still feel like a trapped child... struggling for something out of my reach.. Sure, I am paying bills, living on my own with my boyfriend...Yet, I don't have a career, I don't have a husband, I don't have children.. Where is my life going? Right now? Nowhere. I am a lost cause in my eyes, one of those people who works hard all day, comes home and sits on the couch and just spaces out.

I know I am 21, but I feel like I'm 40 sometimes. I should feel my age, but the pains knock me back, and I struggle to get up in the morning.. Sometimes I just want to lay in bed, and let the day pass me by. I used to jump out of the bed, ready for the morning... anxious to see my friends, go to class, and do exciting things. Now my life has become a monotonous cycle, one that never seems to end or change... I love Brian, but we are a stand still.. living in the teenage relationship. Guaranteed, I am the one who stopped it, and maybe that is why it bothers me so much. There are times when I can see our life, moving forward.. I can see the white dress, and my father bringing me down the aisle... Brian crying at the end of that walk.. I can see him holding our children after they are born... but other days.. I see all of that burning away to ashes... and us merely standing in that rubble... I would be the one sitting on the ground holding those ashes in my hands.. as he sits on his computer playing WoW. And whenever I try to talk about it to someone.. I always get the same response.. "Carissa, you are young, why are you trying to rush things?" ... I'm not! "You have plenty of time!" ... Well it is just how I feel, I can't explain why.. If I could make it go away I would. Everyday it eats away at me.. I feel lost, and I don't know what to do.

I want to feel something that I don't now. I am sick of thinking about the possible. Because it's impossible. I am sick of complaining about my life.. because my life is better than most. I miss the old days when people would constantly call me, asking me where I was, because they missed me. No one misses me anymore. No one really calls me.. And if they do, I am at work, and I can't talk... because Walmart will fire me, and then I won't have health insurance.. or be able to pay my bills.. I miss laughing everyday. I hate fighting or getting angry when I am playing a game... so angry that I fly off the handle and start yelling at people. When did my life to come this? When did I start acting like my family? Everyday I seem to sink lower and lower... and I don't know if I will be able to crawl out of this hole I have dug for myself...

Well, that's my rambling, read it.. or don't read it... tell me to stop complaining, or sympathize... I couldn't care less.

Many things have happpened since last I wrote. I am happy, but for some reason, my mind always seems to haunt me with things that could be... and my depression sets in. I know it's stupid. I have no reason to be sad nowadays. I now live with my boyfriend and our friend Tim, and I am out of the house. I have a job, and I have health insurance. My little dog Boo passed away on the 7th of August, and I have only cried that hard once in my life, when my heart was shattered to pieces. Fun times. I keep thinking about the past lately... the way my life used to be. I was reading old poetry, and other people's old poetry, and I remember the old days.. How naive I was, the trust I gave like an idiot... And now I can't believe the man I love. Great, wonderful. Woohoo. My mind is dumb. My job is stressful, and it sucks the life out of me.

As for art.. I don't really do anything. I have an item that I have to do for charity, and an adoptable I got from Tiffy. That's about it.

I go to work, I come home, I play WoW, I watch tv, I go to sleep. Rinse and repeat. That is all. Fun life of a 20 year old (soon to be 21)

That is all.

SO. I'm getting sick of this stupid rut that my life has fallen into. Guaranteed, I was very lucky, and managed to obtain a job... but I'm sick of doing nothing on my offtime but Magic and WoW don't have the same exciting feeling anymore. I was happy to be in the new instance in WoW, and it was challenging and fun and shit.. but WoW just doesn't make me as happy as it used to. And my boyfriend is obsessed with WoW... so I just don't know what to do on that situation. I still like to play WoW occassionally but not as much as I do... When you cry because of a game, then you know that you probably shouldn't be playing it anymore... or at least.. not as much as you are. Magic has just become a chore for me.. I like going to LAN but I used to go once a week. On Friday. That's it. Now I go Friday and Saturday. I don't have any urge to go today, but of course, I will be going with Brian. I was hoping to see a movie today... and we had agreed on going to see it, but my boyfriend just HAD to finish his things on WoW, then his father needed his help.. So naturally we aren't going to go. Brian told me we could go see it on Monday.. but now it just seems stupid. I had a bad morning, ending up being sick, and having to leave work... and now I'm just pushing against my rut... wanting to get the fuck out.

I used to be a ton of fun.. I use to go to clubs, and see movies, and hang out with people almost all the time.. I had a blast.. And as much as my life quality is better... and my relationship department is wonderful.. I'm 20 years old... and I act like I'm 40. Suck. No offense to 40 year olds, but I should be living it up.. not sitting in a chair and poking shit.. I should be having fun, experiencing new things, enjoying the sights, going somewhere new.. or doing something different.. But I'm not. I'm gonna do the same damn thing I do every weekend.

Yay. Life Rut. How exciting.

I'm done now, you may now forget what you just read and go on with your life.

So, nothing really much has changed since the last time I posted an entry. My incision has healed rather nicely, but now I have a jagged scar on my abdomen. Mmm, so exciting. I still have no job, and I'm home pretty much most of the time, but laying my bed staring at television, or petting my cat. I've turned into a jellyfish, and I lay around all flippin' day. My father got a new satelite system, and I've been addicted to watching it all the time. Snow and ice has been building up on my front yard and porch.. anyone else sick of the cold weather? I know I'm looking forward to Spring. My mother's birthday was the other day, she would of been 48. I know I'm rambling, but I don't know what else to talk about.

So onto other things..

I plan on attending Anime Boston 09 and I plan on getting a table at the Artist's Alley. I'm going to create some new pieces (which some are already in progress) and sells prints, because due to my lack of income, I desperately need moneys. I've made some Teen Titans fan art, and World of Warcraft fanart, but I don't really know what else to draw. If anyone has an idea, feel free to leave me a comment, and give me an idea. I've invited another young lady to accompany me at my table. I'm somewhat of a seasoned artist, you could say, and she is sort of just getting her feet wet in my opinion. Not a bad thing, everyone starts off that way. Anyways, I figured to invite her because it's a great experience for any artist, because not only will she have a chance to make a few bucks, she will have the experience of showing people her art in person, and she will get unique critiques from other artists that share the same interests as her. You know, anime and such.. If you didn't get it. I think it will be a wonderful experience none the less, and even though my boyfriend will be at the table with me for company, it will be nice to have another girl to accompany and save me from the masculinity.. xD haha.

So. More snow on the way on Wednesday, something to totally look forward to. Tonight is cards, and then I get the wonderful experience of being in Brian's arms all weekend. Hoorah. Anyways, I think today is honestly the first day in the week that I've decided to get out of bed before 1. I should get dressed, because my man got outta work early. and I plan to dress a little sexy to drive him nuts. xD

Toodleloo~

So I know I haven't been really keeping up with my journal at all that much, and some stuff has happened. Witch's Woods is ready to go, and I managed to paint all the things that I needed to paint, and man do they look great! And I was all ready for opening weekend, ready to work.. But unfortunately opening night was the same night as my NRA pistol course, so I was unable to attend, but I was fine with that. That course was awesome. So I started getting this strange pain in my side Wednesday night, but I sort of ignored it... but by Friday morning, the pain was excruciating... the night before I had been asked to come into work early so I could learn how to do makeup, so I had to make a decision.. Go to work like I promised, or go to the hospital. So.. I went to work. I learned how to do makeup, and then I decided I should probably go to the hospital to go get checked, just in case. I walked in, and they took me into triage immediately.. I talked to the man, and told him about the pain in my right side, and he said to follow him straight into the ER. That was the first sign that something was wrong. I was worried, but not all that worried because I sat on that bed in that ridiculous gown for an hour or so without anyone even approaching me. When I went to confront the nurses office, they said that they were having someone medflighted, so they were a little busy. I was fine with that. So, then I was greeted by two people.. and they were there to take my blood and put an IV in my arm... well, anyone who knows me, knows that I hate needles, and I cry at the very sight of them. I normally freak out, and sometimes I kinda hit people. So, they managed to get an IV in me, but I cried an hour past when they did it. It was pretty bad, and I was pretty frazzled. So, after that they sent me to go and get a CAT scan of my side. So after a bunch of waiting, the doctor finally came in to talk to me. This was our conversation:

Doctor: so when was the last time you ate, Carissa?
Me: This morning at like midnight.
Doctor: Good, because you have appendicitis, and you are going into surgery in a couple hours."

And he walked out. I sat there shocked. So, I called my Dad, and cried my eyes out. I called probably everyone in my phone, and told them, trying to keep my mind off of it. A bunch of people showed up, and I really felt loved. But the main people who stayed was Brian, and my Dad. So they drugged me up with stuff higher than morphine, and brought me into the hospital, and out of the ER. As 6:30 came closer, I began to get more and more nervous. I had never had surgery, so I didn't know what to expect. There is always some danger. Brian held me close, and I could tell that he was worried too. And then, it was time, and as they wheeled me down the hallway, Brian held my hand, and as they pushed me into the elevator, he looked at me with watery eyes, and I knew that he truly loves me. So I talked to the surgeon, and I talked to the staff, and the next thing I know, I woke up in the recovery room, basically screaming in pain. It sucked.

So a couple days in the hospital, and about a week later, I'm sitting here updating my journal with stitches in my side and missing an appendix. Still hurts, but it's better than it was. Yesterday was my first official day out of the house on my own, and it was exciting. I'm getting back to being myself, and it's great.

So that's basically my week. Hoorah.